Although it seems like it’s been a million years ago, when I first came to visit Germany with Stefan 11 years ago (before we even knew we’d ever be living over here) he gave me a little heads up about Germans and the way they greet each other.
When you first meet someone, a handshake is a standard greeting. Unless you’re in a big group and they’re pretty young — and then sometimes a wave will suffice.
But once you get to know them better, you will suddenly go from handshakes to kisses on both cheeks. Now I don’t mean planting big smooches on the cheek, but more like a society girl who bumps into a friend on the street and they make this gesture of putting their heads cheek-to-cheek, air kissing and then doing the other side. That’s how it works here in Germany as well.
When will the switch take place? It’s hard to say. Sometimes you will be introduced to someone and shake hands hello. You have a great time hanging out for a few hours and by the end of the evening when it’s time to say goodbyes, you realize you’ve been bumped up a notch and get the friendship kisses.
This is nearly only the level of going from Sie to Du with Germans — but still not quite the same. And it is rare but has been known to happen that when you meet someone for a business-related event, you shake hands hello. But at the end of the day end up with cheek kisses as you leave. I’ve also made this transition back and forth with my dentist a few times. I’m pretty sure that seeing him at the sauna once and being in his office almost monthly while he rebuilt bone and fit me for an implant catapulted us to that more familiar greeting. But since it’s been a long while since I was last in his office, we’re probably back down to handshakes yet again.
Because you see, handshakes are very tricky. There are some people that I have now known for 11 years (mostly friends of the family but a couple of family members we rarely see), that I am never quite sure how to greet. I generally let the other person make the first move, being a foreigner and not wanting to overstep my boundaries, but sometimes I’m just all caught up in the kisses moment after having greeted everyone else in the room that way, and I clearly throw someone off (usually a guy) who thrusts out a hand as I lean in to give kisses.
Awkward silence. A few laughs and then we get on with the show. But there are also times when you will find that you’re both going in for the kisses, but instead of going in opposite directions, you end up going in the same direction. Head bumps, kisses on the lips and some rushed back and forth moments as you try to figure out who is zigging and who is zagging are very likely between the smiles and laughs.
If all this already seems a bit chaotic, let’s throw something else into the mix. A few people I know, actually skip the kisses altogether and go in for a hug. There are not many of them, and I have to admit that they are usually those that are American (obviously), have lived in America for a while or have become very Americanized because of American friends — but it does happen from time to time. It’s certainly nice to have those arm in arm hugs for a change because sometimes the kisses feel so light and superficial to me. But again, the hugs totally throw me off.
Maybe I just need to start keeping better notes of my friends that throw kinks into the plans. Of course now that they’re reading this, they’ll probably really try to confuse me! It’s certainly not the end of the world but it does make meeting new and old friends interesting!
Am I the only expat in Germany going through this confusion?
I think I need a chart too, keeping everyone’s preferences.
Then you throw in the other nationalities, the American/British who have lived in Germany a while…and I’m always getting confused who has both cheeks, 1 cheek, or the Belgian way of THREE kisses (but not sure which cheek gets 2).
Wow, I’ve never hugged or mwahed any work people except those who have become legitimate friends outside of work (as in, we sleep over at their place when there’s a party). And I can’t imagine anything more than a handshake with someone with whom I’m not on a Du-basis already.
A few months ago, I was in a 3-day training seminar with about 15 people attending — some of us were Duzen-Buddies already (through close collaboration or long-time casual interaction), some of knew each other already, but most of us were brand new people to most of us. And therefore Siezers.
But then a weird thing happened right at the beginning on the first day: our trainer/moderator wrote down some ground rules (like “Be on time. Listen when others are talking. Turn off your phone.”), proposed by the trainees, and one of the first rules was “Wir duzen uns.”
“Wow,” I thought. “The beatings will continue until morale improves!” But you know what? By the end of the last day, it felt so natural — like I could totally hit the sauna with them (no, I didn’t. But I could have.)
It’s all crazy. The two cheek kissers, the 3 cheek kissers, the light kissers and the hug/kissers- Wednesday I held out my hand while someone was moving in for a smooch. One of my German teachers du’s me and the other uses first names but Sie. Luckily, as a foreigner, I get a pass to my confusion.
I tried to comment yesterday but couldn’t get into the post. I was scared you were hacked again, but it seems to be fine today!
What a great post. The Dutch and Belgians kiss cheeks THREE times. When we had dinner with a Belgian client, he couldn’t believe that the Germans don’t kiss unless they know eachother. He asked how we say goodnight and I stuck out my hand for a handshake and very sharply said, “Thank you for a very lovely evening!” We laughed so hard we almost fell on the street…
The monkeys that host my account were to blame for that fiasco — and of course right as I was starting this huge giveaway. Ugh.
I have only encountered 1 or 2 people who do the kissing 3 times — that would just throw me off completely. But I definitely laughed hard about the last part of your comment. It’s so true — Germans are so rigid sometimes 🙂
In Germany as being foreigner can I get kisses on cheek
Of course! As long as you make friends with people, they will give cheek kisses to anyone they know well or like a lot.
I am German, and although the check kissing concept is not completely alien to me, I at least find it very unusual.
Maybe it’s a regional thing (I live and grew up in the Rhineland), but here it’s usually rather hugs than kisses, i.e. handshakes for strangers and distant acquaintances, hugs for friends and family.
My relatives from the north (Bremen) usually go with cheek kisses for the women and hugs between men.
Very good point! The men don’t hug. It’s either handshakes or a handshake, to hug/clap on the back thing. But only a brief embrace, and that’s only if they know each other very well.
That is interesting though about it possibly being regional. Every region has it’s own dialect – why not its own way of greeting too? 😉
My sister and BIL lived in Germany for a while, but she never mentioned this. I’m sure it was a different environment because they mostly interacted with other Americans … but I would have expected her to be aware of it. 🙂
Strange, I don’t know a single person here who does the kissing thing (though I have def had some of those awkward wrong-side kiss greeting moments too, how embarrassing). All the folks I know go directly for the hugs, none of them Americans.
We might have to conduct a survey on this 🙂
Perhaps it’s an age-related thing. Most of the time, it’s been people quite a bit older that did the handshakes — but not always. There were a lot of younger people over the years who also did handshakes. It’s really funny to read what kinds of experiences others are having with this though!
Are you sure you’ve been to Germany? I don’t mean to offend you, but no one I know does this awkward cheek kissing thing. Belgium, the Netherlands, France, Luxembourg etc, they do, but Germans rather stick to the hand-shake/hug combination.
On top of that there are some differences between the social classes. If, according to your self-perception, you belong to the “high society” you usually engage in cheek kissing no matter where in Europe you are from (incl. Poland, Czech Republic, Austria,…)
Over the last 12 years, it has changed a bit. But a large portion of people I know, all German, still do the kisses. There is also a bit of generational difference. But thanks for sharing your opinion and experiences.
It’s said that Germans mostly hug… For example as said in this thread https://www.reddit.com/r/europe/comments/14n15a/hey_europe_what_are_the_kissing_habits_in_your/ Maybe it’s a regional difference or depends on the people you associate with. Would you say that older people adhere to the kissing etiquette more or younger people?